Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day...

Well, another father's day has come, and another reminder of the fact that the first man I ever loved (my dad) is gone. Last week, mom came by on June 14th. It was flag day, and would've been their 25th wedding anniversary. I wonder, will it ever stop hurting? I have a picture that I drew of my dad for an art class hanging over my computer... Sometimes it seems like he's watching over me.

Some days I just feel angry at the fact that he was taken from me so soon. He would be so proud to see the person I am today. The fact that I work closely with the military would have him bursting with pride. I feel like I should go to the gravesite today, but I haven't been in 5 years, and don't really want to. It doesn't comfort me, it just reminds me that he's dead. I don't need a reminder, I think of it almost every day.

I remember shortly after Papaw (dad's dad) died, my dad looked at me and said "I'll never see him again, will I?" He seemed so lost and empty when he said it. I guess he had never had to deal with the death of someone so close to him. I didn't understand the pain back then, but now I know...

I know what it feels like to hear a song, or see something on TV, or in a store that reminds me of him. I know how it feels when I hear words coming out of my mouth that easily could've been his words. I am his legacy, all that is left of the man who helped make me who I am today. I remember 2 months of going to ICU 5 times a day to hang out with my dad. I remember that even then, hooked up to all of those machines, he had a sense of humor.

I remember the morning he died, it was a Sunday, and mom had let me sleep in - missing the 10 o'clock visit. I remember getting the call from the hospital and sitting in that little room, knowing so well what they were about to say, but crumbling when I heard the words out loud. I remember going into the ICU cubicle and kissing his cheek to say goodbye. I was 19 - he was 43, and I had no idea how I would go through the rest of my life without him.

I wish I had one more day to tell him how much I love him. One more day to let him know that all those hours we spent together really made a difference in my life. I wish I had reailzed back then that he wouldn't be around forever, and treasured those moments more than I did. God, if I could just hug him and tell him about my life now - thank him for all that he gave me. Almost 8 years, and some days the pain is as fresh as it was that Sunday morning that I lost the most important man in my life...


Blogger Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mother, so I can truly identify with you.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

HUGS to you on this hard day.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Janelle said...

Big hugs to you...what a sad loss.

3:54 PM  

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