Wednesday, August 31, 2005

8 years ago today...

I lost my dad.

A couple weeks ago, I had this overwhelming urge to visit the cemetary. It was an odd push/pull kind of situation inside me. I didn't want to go, but something inside me told me to anyway. I waited until the last minute and ended up crossing 3 lanes of traffic to get there. It was surreal to me somehow. When I got to the cemetary, I broke down, I sat in the grass between the graves of my father and my grandfather, and cried so hard I could barely speak. I didn't bring anything with me, and there were no flowers in the vases on their headstones, so I dug an old reciept out of my purse and wrote on it, folded it up and put it inside the vase... It made me feel better somehow. Although over all, the visit was a bad day for me.

I just don't understand why it's affected me so much lately. I mean, one would think that after this many years, I wouldn't be breaking down over it anymore. You would think that I would "get over it" at some point. But I guess that's the kind of loss you never get over. I see things on the news right now, and wish that I could just talk to my dad about them, he had a way of being insightful and calming when things were rough. I remember when the Gulf War broke out, I was beside myself (as any 7th grader, who'd never known anything about war except what was in textbooks, would be). I wish I could recall exactly what he said to me, but all I can remember is that it comforted me, and made me feel better...

I remember his amazing sense of humor - how he could always make you laugh one way or another. I work with a guy who sometimes immitates Curly from the 3 stooges, and I always laugh, but then I'm always a little sad inside too, because dad used to do that too. We'd watch old episodes of the 3 stooges that we had recorded off of television. The "woman hater's club" episode was one of our favorites.

I saw a commercial the other day with someone singing "Hello, it's me", and I immediately pictured my dad singing along to the Todd Rundgren CD that I had bought him for Christmas. He would also sing "I'm so proud" to me, and he always got tears in his eyes when he did. I wonder what he would say to me now. I wonder if he'd be proud of the woman I've become... I'm sure he would be - I turned out so much like the love of his life (my mother), I think he'd be surprised (although I did inherit my foul mouth and temper from him - which might NOT make him so proud! Not that he'd be surprised about that.). He loved her so much. He used to tell me stories about seeing her outside the window of his little apartment in Zell and telling his roommate "That's the woman I'm going to marry". I always hoped when I was a little girl that one day I'd find a man who loved me as much as my dad loved my mom... Fortunately, I have, but it's hard not to be able to share that with my dad.

So today, on the 8th Anniversary of your death, I want to tell you that I love you, and you are in my heart always. I miss you so much that it hurts. I love you, Daddy

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